The Dappled Willow

I received this meme several times as the COVID19 pandemic got worse and the response became more and more restrictive. I knew I wouldn’t be having my people over for a Murder Mystery birthday party like I had planned.

My friends and family knew this would be tough for me as an extrovert and a lover of birthdays. All birthdays, not just mine. I love when people are together for any reason really, but birthdays are super fun!

In my family, especially as all of my siblings and I are now adults, birthdays aren’t about gifts but time spent together. We might have a party with friends on the weekend, but we always get together on the actual day and celebrate just as a family at my parents’ house. The birthday honouree gets to pick the meal my mom prepares, we play games, maybe watch a movie, and we always, ALWAYS, sing Happy Birthday and Jolly Good Fellow in 5 part harmony at the top of our lungs!

This year was of course different.

I was already feeling a bit isolated as I have been experiencing Post Partum Anxiety. This is something I had never felt after my first two children. For some reason, this time around I’ve found it difficult to leave the house on my own unless I absolutely need to. Doctors appointments are the only things I really NEED to get to on my own and even then I’ve enlisted help from my village.

It’s been weird. I’m extroverted. I get my energy from being with people but every time I’ve had the opportunity to go out somewhere I’ve found myself questioning, “Do I really need to go? What if there’s no parking? Who else will be there? Will there be allergens? What if one of my kids cry? Will diaper changes be a problem? How will I keep the toddler from running off?” And so many more!

All good questions but coming at me a mile a minute and I’d feel overwhelmed and panicky. Even with preparation the night before.

I had one episode right before going to visit a friend at her new place without the kids. Finally a girls night on my own! All dressed in my winter clothes, ready to go, at the door, but frozen. Simultaneously excited to see my friend but afraid to leave my comfort zone and go somewhere new. I stood in the doorway, tears in my eyes, heart beating fast and feeling an incredible weight on my shoulders and like my feet were made of lead. I asked if Dan could drive me but even the thought of taking an UBER back stressed me out. Thankfully, my husband was supportive and helped me through it. I felt knots in my stomach the whole drive over but I did make it out to see my friend on my own and I’m glad I did.

That hasn’t been the only incident of being overwhelmed by irrational fear and feeling stuck. I hope to get professional counselling to help me overcome it. Boy do I feel silly now though. I wish I had gone out when I had the chance.

Flash to March 12th, Grandpapa is picking up Henry for his last swimming class of the Sea Otter level! I haven’t been to a single lesson and I want to go because Henry is so excited and proud and I want to show him I’m proud of him too. But the idea is overwhelming so I prepare to send him off without me. That’s when Grandpapa tells me he just heard on the radio that March Break next week has just been extended by 2 weeks to fight the spread of the Coronavirus.

What? 3 weeks? 3 weeks with a 4 year old, 2 year old and almost 8 month old? I need to prepare! I was psyching myself up for just one week of March Break! I had play dates scheduled over here and sleepovers for the boys with their grandparents. Now that won’t be happening, I’m sure. I try to keep it positive. All of those sayings, “I think I can, I think I can” and “Just keep swimming” come to mind.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy time spent with my children. It’s my favourite thing! They’re smart and sweet, funny and talented, but SO active at different levels, with different needs and so, SO LOUD. It takes a lot of energy that I don’t have these days due to interrupted sleep.

I’m not a teacher. I struggle with make believe. And patience is definitely something I’m challenged to grow in daily. I have so much respect for those who choose to homeschool their children, my mom included, but I am not gifted in the skills that requires. I hope to improve, but I’m just saying, I recognize teaching is not my forté.

Here’s a little window art I did last week to spread some laughter. I’m telling you, this 4 year old of mine is smart! He might be a lawyer or negotiator one day.

I am doing my best with the situation at hand. Taking it day by day. Hour by hour actually with our handy dandy daily schedule.

It’s been tough not having friends and family over. The boys miss their grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. And I miss them all too.

Video chats just aren’t the same as being with a loved one. I knew I was going to feel it most on my birthday, as I wouldn’t be able to hug my mom, my dad, and my siblings. At least I knew we had a video chat scheduled for after the boys were down and we were going to attempt some Harry Potter trivia together.

The day started off pretty well as I got to sleep in. Dan finally started working from home as his office had to close. I woke up to the smell of bacon and Henry handing me FOUR BIRTHDAY CARDS he made for me. He’s so sweet.

I did my hair and makeup and went downstairs. We built a blanket fort in the living room but we were interrupted when we saw a car pull in the driveway.

It was a special cupcake delivery! The boys didn’t understand why their grandparents and aunt weren’t coming in or why they couldn’t go out and play with them. Kids don’t understand personal space let alone a 6ft “social distancing” protocol. It was nice to have a chat through the window though.

Another special delivery was left on our doorstep; my favourite beer courtesy of my brother in law who had to go out for his essentials anyway. I am so grateful!

After nap time, it was snack time and cupcakes were the menu item of the day! We had a kitchen dance party and it was, well you can see for yourself…

Then dinner; chicken nuggets for the kids and we ordered egg rolls for me and Dan. And then cheesecake for mummy of course.

Not exactly the loud birthday song my family delivers but it was sweet. A for effort! Then the boys went off to bed! Finally time to have a call with my family but they’re all running a bit behind. I sit on the couch and catch up with birthday texts and messages as Dan takes the recycling out.

Oh here we go! My sister is calling! But wait why does she have a hat and scarf on? Why is she outside? Why is she outside my house?!

I turn around and look out the window and see my siblings standing spread out across my front lawn. I open the front door and they sing happy birthday in 5 part harmony at the top of their lungs!

It was hard not to run out and hug them. I wanted them to come inside. I wanted to offer them beers. But they had anticipated that and brought their own brews. So I put on a jacket, went outside and had a birthday drink with my siblings from a distance.

And then my parents showed up. My dad had gloves and his P100 construction dust mask on. I really wanted to hug my mom. I had to settle for a meaningful eye lock and smile from afar.

We did do some Harry Potter Trivia while standing in the biggest circle ever. My niece fell asleep in the baby carrier strapped to my brother in law’s chest. I wonder when I’ll get to hold her again.

We stood around chatting about how crazy everything is. Gas prices! Unemployment. The rate this thing is spreading and the measures being taken to combat it. I have to admit, as much as I love the surprise I can’t help but feel like this is wrong. I mean we were less than 10 adults, standing more than 6ft apart, outside in the open air, but I was on edge. I worried about what the neighbours might think. And would the cops show up? Wild to think that even this could be illegal next week at the rate everything is going.

They weren’t over long. But I felt so loved. Of course before they left we had to do our family dance to No Place I’d Rather Be by Clean Bandit. I cried while fist pumping.

No contact was made. But my heart is full. I am so blessed by my friends and family. It wasn’t the birthday I had planned a few weeks ago, but it’s definitely one for the history books.