The Dappled Willow

It’s been over 5 years now since my first miscarriage. 

We had only been married for a month and a half when we found out I was pregnant. We basically conceived on the honeymoon. It definitely was way sooner than we expected but once we saw those two lines on the pregnancy test we were both overjoyed; we were going to have a baby!!

Immediately my world shifted. I was a 22 year old newlywed still, but now I was a mother. I cut out alcohol and all the recommended foods to be avoided when pregnant. I started taking prenatal vitamins and looked at my belly lovingly in the bathroom mirror every morning. I had my first prenatal appointment booked and I just couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound. 

I was eager to meet the child God had in store for us. I wondered if it would be a boy or a girl, blue eyed or brown, and whether red hair would even be possible with Daniel’s dark dominant genetics. (Ha!)

I dreamed about the cuddles, coos and giggles. We discussed baby names. We started talking about buying a house because the basement apartment we were living in was already pretty snug and the only possible place for a crib was the corner of the walk-in closet.(Nobody puts baby in a corner though!) I was thinking of ways for us to tell our family and friends the good news.

One day when Daniel and I were texting about everything while at work, he sent me a message that said something like, “God has bug things in store!” That’s not my typo; Daniel meant to say “big things” but autocorrect or his flying fingers sent it as “bug things.” Thus, we affectionately nicknamed our baby Little Bug. Some people call their unborn bundles Peanut or Bean, but we had our Little Bug.

Daniel would come home from work and greet my belly. He’d sing to the very beginnings of my bump even though I told him according to my pregnancy app there was no way the baby could hear yet.

We told a few close family members and had a dinner scheduled to tell one of my best friends. Unfortunately, we had to cancel those plans. 

That Saturday afternoon, I started spotting. I prayed and prayed as I lay on the couch waiting for Daniel to come home. But then the cramping started and I knew something wasn’t right. I Googled frantically, wishing these symptoms would stop and everything would be okay.

But they didn’t and it wasn’t.

Daniel came home and found me crying on the couch. I was afraid to stand up. He helped me to the bathroom and I felt a rush. He sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my hand as it just kept coming. And he cried with me when we saw our little tiny baby, our Little Bug, pass into my hand.

Just like that. 

All of our hopes and dreams for this child of ours were gone. This tiny baby who we would never know but I would always miss.

The cramping and bleeding continued to worsen. Daniel called telehealth and we went to the emergency room. I spent hours in the waiting room breathing through what I later learned were contractions. I was given a large pad but had to keep going to the public bathroom to pass large blood clots. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much especially in front of so many strangers. I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, that all of my surroundings were a blur. Thank God for Daniel holding me and doing whatever he could to try to help. 

The doctors and nurses weren’t much help. I was released fairly quickly after I was finally seen with nothing but a couple of over the counter painkillers to take the edge off. I didn’t want to go home. I needed my family. I’m so grateful they were all there for me in that moment. Not just my family but my friends as well. There’s nothing they could say that would make it better but they were there. You can read more about their care for me in this post: When A Loved One Loses Their Little One.

I took one week off of work. I cried every night for a month. And when I became pregnant again months later I was scared to be excited.

I was devastated when I had a bit of spotting nearly 3 months into that second pregnancy. Thankfully that one turned out all right and Henry was born happy and healthy. 

A year and a bit later I experienced another pregnancy loss. This time it began while I was at work. I was in pain but was in denial. I sat at my desk and continued working until something urged me to call my sister. She worked in the same building as me and immediately dropped what she was doing to help me pack up my things and leave with minimal explanation to my supervisor. That was the worst bus ride I’ve ever experienced. 

Again Daniel was my rock through it all. He urged me to pray even though I was numb and angry with God. I’ve experienced a lot of healing since then. I don’t have any answers as to why God allows miscarriages but I’ve experienced His grace and I am grateful for all of the children He has blessed us with. Even if I only carried them for a short time, they’ll always be in my heart. 

Through prayer I sensed we had a boy and a girl so we named them Aaron and Evangeline. I’ve wanted something in our home to represent our Little Bugs and I’ve had the image above in my mind for quite some time but only just got the courage to try and sketch it out. As I don’t consider myself an artist, I am happy with how it turned out.

I knew I wanted to include a meaningful quote but I struggled to find one that captured what I felt. Finally I settled on the word ‘Always’. For one, I like that it harks back to the words from the final book of J. K. Rowlings’ Harry Potter series: “After all this time?” “Always.” (If you know, you know.)

Beyond that, it means so much to me. 

From the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, I loved each of my babies. Always.

They were carried for only a short time but are loved for a lifetime. Always.

I will forever wonder who they would have been. Always.

Although I know miscarriages happen for all sorts of reasons, I’ll question if it was caused by something I did or failed to do. Always.

Even though years have passed, I still feel the immeasurable loss. Always.

I never met them but will miss them for eternity. Always. 

They are up above waiting to greet me in heaven. Always. 

This is my experience with miscarriage and I am not the only one. Even though my grandmother, mother, aunts and other women in my life experienced it and I knew they had, I somehow thought it wouldn’t happen to me.

I also didn’t understand how someone so small could make me fall in love so quickly and I didn’t know losing that person I had known of for only a short amount of time could impact me forever.

I’m sharing my experience as a part of my healing and to help raise awareness of this often taboo topic. 

If you have experienced miscarriage, I am sorry for your loss. 

You are not alone. 

You are not broken. 

You have every right to grieve. 

I know what it’s like to just want your little one in your arms, but for now, we soldier on without them and carry them in our hearts. 

Always.