The Dappled Willow

So last week I talked about how motherhood is tough and I need to be honest about my struggles. Not only with myself but others too. Well I’ve really been trying to do that these last seven days and now I’d like to paint a picture for you. Get ready, you’re in for a treat.

It’s 1PM.

After a lovely playdate with great friends, Freddy (my 1.5 year old) is PUMPED. He continues to wave enthusiastically and scream BUH-BYE out the window even though the last of his friends left 5 minutes ago. Finally he joins me in the living room. And that’s when I smell it. I knew it was bound to come at some point this afternoon but was dreading it nonetheless. At least he waited until our guests were gone to drop that bomb. No point in delaying. His sister could wake at any moment. I take him to the bathroom knowing it’ll be easier to wash him than to use countless wipes trying to clean his behind. I get through yet another stanky diaper change, moisturize his legs and wrists with medicated eczema cream for the third time today. Now for my favourite part of every diaper change, the tickles and cuddles. Before I know it…

It’s 2PM.

Ginny is crying. Time to feed her again. I read Freddy 11 books with Ginny on me before she falls asleep. I play cars and trucks. Then build, destroy and rebuild a few more block towers before…

It’s 3PM.

Freddy did not nap and he ain’t showing any signs of nodding off. Good thing, I guess. Because Henry is on his way home and we have to go meet him at the bus stop. But Ginny’s asleep. No big deal, she’s not on a proper sleep schedule anyway. Ah, the bus is coming! I get Freddy’s shoes on and my shoes on. I scoop Ginny up in one arm and help Freddy out the door and down the stairs with the other. It’s not that far. He can walk. Shoot. He sees the park. 

“No, Freddy it’s not time to swing. Come on Freddy. We have to go get Henry.” 

Thank goodness the mere mention of Henry got his attention. He misses his brother so much during the day. We make it to the bus stop. Are we early? Is the bus late? I sit on the grass with Ginny in my arms and Freddy between my legs. Neighbours drive by; some smile, most look confused. My hair is probably even more whack due to the wind. Finally the bus comes. Hooray, Henry is home! From another successful day of school? Hard to tell since he says they did nothing. He’s been saying that every day. Good joke, kid. I guess I need to be more specific with my line of questioning. Am I being a good mom? We have a lovely chat with the neighbours on our way back towards the house. Freddy is scared of their dog though. The tears start flowing. He needs a nap. And a snack.

“Snack?!”

Here come the treat negotiations. 

“No, you may not have sorbet and an episode of Paw Patrol. Have some raisins while I make a smoothie.”

Smoothies are sort of healthy, right? Great. The blender woke up Ginny. I settle her in her swing. Henry is done his snack. Time to help him practice his new skill. I have to go over yesterday’s lesson again though. Repetition is key. He’s struggling but happy. He’s used to being good at things so quickly. Am I a failure for not teaching him to use safety scissors sooner? I didn’t realize that it was something he’d be doing at the beginning of school. When did I learn? Wasn’t it at school? Are all of the other kids way better at using scissors than him? I help Freddy drink his smoothie through a straw so he doesn’t spill it all over himself. I glance at the clock. Shoot!

It’s 4PM.

I need to make supper. Something we can bring to the school picnic. I need to use these buns up. Pan-fried burgers it is! Mental note to learn how to use the grill sometime. The phone rings. It’s my mum. I keep frying as we chat.

“Mummy look at my cutting! I’m so good!” 
“Wow, good job, Henry!”

Back to mom and frying. What is that commotion? 

“Henry, don’t get mad at Freddy. He just wants a hug, he missed you today.”
“I didn’t miss him. I was too busy.”

That’s kinda rude, but I’ll let it slide since Freddy doesn’t understand. 

“Just give him a hug please.” 

Oh, my heart. These brothers I tell ya. So cute!

Back to mom and frying. Freddy starts to move all of the chairs from the dining room to the living room. Whatever keeps him entertained and out of danger. Plus Henry says he needs his space. Now, Ginny is crying in her swing.

“Sorry mum, I’ve gotta go. Boys, say bye to Grandma!”

Ginny wants to feed again but no time because…

It’s 5PM!

Crap! We should be at the school by now. Throw the food in the cooler. Make sure the diaper bag is stocked. 

“Henry, go pee please before we go.”

Change Ginny’s diaper. Change Freddy’s too. Grab a picnic blanket. Oh boy, I need to go change my shirt, fix my hair and put on some deodorant.

“No Henry, you may not go ride your bike outside a little bit.” 

Was that the door? Did he not hear me? Or did he deliberately disobey? I go outside and grab Freddy from halfway down the driveway. 

“Henry. You are NOT allowed outside by yourself. And you especially can’t let Freddy out without an adult. I know YOU don’t go in the street but Freddy needs to be watched.” 

Cars continue to drive past, over the speed limit, as I bring Freddy inside against his will. I get my shoes on, grab my cell phone, keys, wallet. 

“Now we can all go outside.” 

I start loading up the van. Buckle Freddy first so he can’t go anywhere. I try to coach Henry to buckle himself as I get Ginny in. Picnic gear is packed, I close the trunk door. 

“Here Henry, I’ll help you with your buckle.”
“No, I can do it!” 

Fine, Mr. Independant. A minute later, I can finally close the van door. Wow, I look like death. I reopen the trunk to grab my makeup from the diaper bag. Now that I’m in the driver’s seat I apply a bit of mascara and eyebrow pencil so I don’t look quite so zombielike. Is everyone actually being quiet for a moment?

“Mummy, we need to go to the picnic. We’re gonna miss it!”

He’s right. I pull out of the driveway, out of the neighbourhood and right into traffic. It’s that time of day. 

“Mummy can I have some music please?”

Can’t we just sit in silence? I can’t subject myself to that CD of kids bible songs right now. The radio seems to be playing nothing but commercials and questionable songs I’ve never heard before. Am I really that out of touch with the latest music? Finally we have arrived! Wow, this place is packed. There is NO parking. Thankfully I snag a spot without circling around, but it’s a trek away from our destination. I call Daniel.

“Hey-o! Where are you at?”

He’s 20 minutes away. He couldn’t leave work early unfortunately. Henry just can’t wait that long. He’s itching to get in there. I’m so glad he’s excited and is enjoying school. But great, Freddy is asleep and I didn’t pack the proper stroller. Even if I had it wouldn’t be able to carry ALL THE THINGS and both of the little ones. How am I going to do this? Freddy shouldn’t be sleeping anyway. It’s too close to bed time. I get Ginny and basket out first and set them down on the grass. 

“Freddy, wake up. We’re at Henry’s school. Want some food?” 

That gets his attention. He LOVES food. I look out the other side of the van and see Henry’s already way ahead.

“Come on Freddy, go get Henry.” 

We start the journey across a soccer field and past a splash pad towards the schoolyard. The picnic basket and Ginny’s car seat balance each other out.

“Henry wait please! You have to slow down.”

Really, we have to walk all the way around this flipping fence? People give me funny looks as I take a break so my basket carrying hand doesn’t cramp. 

“Come on Freddy. This way. Stay with Mummy. Henry, can you please hold Freddy’s hand?”

Whew, we made it in the gate! Henry sees a classmate and runs towards the play structure. Okay, he won’t run off at least. Oh, there’s someone I know. 

“No Freddy, stay with Mummy.” 

I put Ginny and the basket down to grab Freddy before he attempts to climb in the sand play structure area. It’s crawling with bigger kids who probably won’t watch out for Freddy and I’d rather avoid accidents, bobos and tears. We make our way back towards Ginny and our things. How am I going to do this? I need more hands. Oh, thank God. The other mom I know saw me and is coming to help. Do I look as overwhelmed as I feel? Or am I pulling it off? Probably the former. Okay, let’s get set up. Blanket? Check. Bib on Freddy? Check. Food served? Done.

“Henry, that’s way too much ketchup.”

The phone rings. Fiouf, Daniel is here but needs to find parking. Good luck. I manage to get a few bites before Ginny wakes up. I need to feed her since…

It’s 6PM.

Henry notices his friends have ice cream from an ice cream truck at the event. I knew this would be the case. I read the email. But I thought ahead. Since he can’t have dairy I brought a freezie! But, of course, he doesn’t want it. He wants another burger. He wolfs it down before he runs to the structure to play with his friends. I turn to the mom we’re sitting with.

“Does your daughter know how to use scissors?”

We chat about ages and milestones until Henry comes running back over. 

“Mummy I need to go poop!” 

Tag! Daniel, you’re it. Times like this require teamwork and boy am I glad my teammate is here. He takes Henry to the school. I can follow Freddy as he wanders and burp Ginny too. What a lovely day. Look at all these sweet children. I wonder if we know anyone else here. Daniel comes back with Henry. That was fast. Turns out all the doors are locked. Henry really needs to go! Oh good the principal comes with her security pass and unlocks the door. Freddy wants to go in too. Daniel takes both boys to the washroom. Wow, I have a moment of peace to sit and enjoy the breeze as I nurse my daughter. Which boob did she just have? Boy, I wish I could do side-lying position. A nap would be so nice in this sunny spot. Daniel and the boys come back from their bathroom adventure. They run, play soccer and climb on the play structure. I didn’t know Henry could do that. And wow look at Freddy go. They are growing up so fast. Ginny helps me break the ice with other moms. Tiny babies are great for that. I chat with other parents until…

It’s 7PM.

Time to pack up. Let’s go team! The way back to the van is so much easier with Daniel’s set of hands. He’s such a good dad. I love how he makes the boys laugh. Is everybody buckled? I kiss Daniel goodbye. Unfortunately he has to go see a guy about a thing. We had discussed it before but it still sucks. I go home. Get the kids and stuff inside. Diapers, moisturizer, pyjamas, teeth, story, cuddles, prayers, and one last kiss goodnight each. I do it all well before…

It’s 8PM.

They’re still not asleep. 

“Be quiet, Henry. Lie down, Freddy. There’s nothing wrong with your blanket, Henry. It will stay cold until you get under it and let your body heat warm it up. Freddy, how did you get your foot stuck like that? Henry, I thought I told you to go pee before! Fine, Freddy I’ll sit if you lie down. Oh don’t worry my sweet, Ginny. I’ll feed you again now.”

I sit, nurse, and scroll in the corner of Freddy’s room. I start brainstorming costume ideas for Halloween. Will I need to order anything off Amazon? Just as Freddy starts to breathe those long, even, sleepy breaths.. Daniel is home. He takes Ginny from me. I take a minute to myself to pee and only emerge once…

It’s 9PM.

Alright, what else needs to be done tonight. The dining room chairs are in the living room still. Whatever, I’ll deal with that in the morning. Team meeting. I tell Daniel about my day. I’m grateful he listens and is validating my feelings. We set some short term goals and priorities. We look at the calendar and know this month is going to fly by. No time to chill and watch Netflix. Pyjama time! I wonder how much sleep we’ll get tonight, after all…

It’s 10PM.

Maybe. To be honest I don’t know what time it is at this point. Before I even head towards bed I’d better pack Henry’s lunch for tomorrow. Does he prefer cucumber circles or sticks? I wonder who he sits with at lunch. Anyway, now…

It’s 11PM.

I’m finally sitting down to write this. Was that too much? I feel like I left a bunch out. Writing it out like this made me realize there is so much I could have done differently to set myself up for success. 

• I could have insisted that Freddy nap.
• I could have started cooking dinner earlier.
• I could have skipped the stupid heavy picnic basket (even though it’s super cute and when else am I ever going to use it?) and then the cooler bag and diaper bag would have fit in the stroller (had I remembered to pack it).

I could go on and dissect my day even more. The point is we got through it. There were lessons learned and there were also moments of pure joy and love. Did you notice the mention of the tickles, laughs, cuddles and kisses amidst the ongoing chaotic energy? The parts where I was genuinely impressed with my kiddos? 

They’re growing up fast. And I have been trying to appreciate this time in our lives even though it ain’t easy. Today wasn’t particularly great. It wasn’t especially hard. It was full. With good and not as good. It was just one of those days.

And for getting through with minimal tears from all parties, I think I deserve this cold one. Cheers!